come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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