SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
