I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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