I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
