I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
