I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize