well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
