You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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