Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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