my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize