I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
