Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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