I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
