nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
