Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
do nipples grow back?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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