apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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