His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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