It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
