dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
