Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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