My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
