i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
