I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
