god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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