He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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