Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize