so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
