there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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