Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
