I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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