we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize