halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
