i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
