Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She needs sedatives and a leash
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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