You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize