who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
