Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize