i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
