i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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