If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
