She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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