Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
And then he peed in my hair
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