I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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