so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
