Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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