At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
