I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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