Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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