tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
