was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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