Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
