I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
