idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
