Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
