i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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