He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
