I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you made out with another girl for some wings
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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