textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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