I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
