I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize