ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
