I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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