next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
