my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
