Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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