he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
