when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
