It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize