bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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