From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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