mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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