Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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