So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
