i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
