my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
